Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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