a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
