the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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