it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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