So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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