new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
