More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
