So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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