i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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