my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
