we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
