A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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