Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
