just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
