Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
...so i touched it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
