I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
