genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
this just has baby written all over it
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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