I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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