You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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