Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
