So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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