I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
