I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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