im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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