You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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