The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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