I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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