before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
