this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
