I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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