My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
