the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
