The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
