I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
