Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
