Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
