I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I touched a dick in church today
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
