she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
