dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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