my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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