I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
