I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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