Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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