does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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