Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
