I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
