I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Screwed.edu
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
