I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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