I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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