Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
