I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
