he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
