I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
