In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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