I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
